Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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