Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
