i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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