I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I didn't notice because vodka
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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