I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Randomize
