I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
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