you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
