i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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