We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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