I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
