to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
