somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
