and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
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