you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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