Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize