Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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