Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize