Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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