were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Randomize
