went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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