you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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