I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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