just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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