I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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