Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Randomize
