i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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