anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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