she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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