i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
