Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I have aggressive nipples.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
