genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
