ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
