Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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