Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
