Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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