I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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