Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
