No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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