i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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