the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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