she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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