Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
