fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
