so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
