i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
