I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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