so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Randomize
