Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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