I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
