I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The feeling are messing with the penis
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
