I accidentally had phone sex last night
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
