if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
