My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
