Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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