Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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