My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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