life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
