I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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