Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
