At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize