weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
