Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
