You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
